solstice

" i think theres a star growing inside me. im not sure how it got there. it orbits around my bones, and no one but me can notice it.

every once in a while, it starts to flicker and glow; a blinding light goes down my spine, looking for a place to settle.

it carefully pierces first my bones, then skin, waiting to consume me whole, the second they turn their eyes away,

ill limp, ill drag my feet behind me, leaving a trail of countless new galaxies behind. ill breathe light, exhale light, as it tries to break out of my lungs, through my ribs. the light will mark what i am most ashamed of. it will do everything to show me its in control.

countless nights i couldnt sleep by its blinding light. countless days spent in my room, afraid to trigger the glow. i try my best to dim the light, but even when i succeed, it finds new ways to show its existance.

then overnight, it dissapears, giving me hope it dissapeared forever. it goes undercover, hiding quietly in a new corner, and turns the light off.

and then it comes back twice as strong. "

stuck in one body, stuck in one mind, for the rest of my life.

this is the rest of my life.

i wrote this when the light, was eating me alive.

the star was an allegory of my pain.

around february 2025, it got so severe, it was all i could think about every single day. thats when i came up with the idea of a project inspired by the pain i was going through. ive gathered cyanotypes, pictutres, and words.

in april 2025, i was given a chance to compete for an exhibition of my work, but sadly i didnt make it in time. after that, i abandoned the project, losing hopes for a chance that anyone could ever see it. however, the competition helped me to stick with the name solstice.

a while ago, while cleaning my room, i found the cyanotypes, and revisited old drive files. i found solstice, and although unfinished, i think it is worth sharing.

maybe, when the star strikes again, ill finally finish this altar to my pain.

-mania

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